Jenny Diski (GB)
Aus: Jenny Diski. Like Mother. 1988
Only in her dark, candle-lit sanctuary, where she spent more and more of her time, was there relief from her terror thet everything would go on for ever. Down there, she found that other child untouches by the external world, and together they built a model for survival. It centred around the notion she had already developed of wickedness. Frances gradually uncovered its essential quality, the distinguishing flavour that permeated her after her encounters Stuar, and made her weak with the recognition of her own strength. The acts themselves were of no significance, she began to understand. They were no more than Catalysts. Being bad wasn't about doing wrong-not as such. It wasn't about active behaviour at all, except that it often served as a necessary preliminary, because it enabled her to refuse.
Refusal was the real point. Refusal to tell, refusal to allow anyone to know what she knew. Badness, at its vital core, was an act of Dassivity.
She had learned from watching others that actual misbehaviour was more often used quite different purposes for the pleasures of confession and the relief of absolution, which could only be achieved, after all, by an act of wrongdoing. Who could feel themselves an integrated and valued member of society unless there was some way of falling short of the requirements?